full on….
hence why i haven’t written anything about it for quite a while.
early morning insomnia
My twins are one next month, and it dawned on me that it has gone so fast, in such a blur. I haven't blogged anywhere near as much as I hoped, and I think I can safely put that down to just the daily struggle of trying to survive in the maelstrom that has been this year. As I begin to shift out of the fog and chaos, I do find myself feeling that tug again to put words down, if for no reason than just to have something to look back on and remember. So hopefully what is just a gut inkling will actually materialise into words!
Winter has truly arrived this week, the bite is real, the power bill has shot up. Aside from the spike in the power bill, I don't mind the winter anymore. I used to dread it and dream for summer neverending, but in my older age I have come to find joy in each season, with their unique gifts and challenges. My girls were born in the depths of winter, and it will forever hold memories of that story and time.
Nights can be brutal, on my own with the twins. Sleep can be elusive when those teeth start bothering them, and its been many a night that I have woken up realising that I am still in my clothes from the day before, lying on top of my duvet, or in the lazyboy, sometimes with Netflix flickering in the background. Tonight was a night such as this, I awoke at 4am realising that I had fallen asleep feeding Lyra. She was blissful and content, Rune was fast asleep too. Suddenly, a soft padding and a large pair of bespectacled eyes are peeking over at me from behind the cot. Kauri, my 7 year old is wanting a cuddle, so I take him back to bed and lie with him until he goes back to sleep. I cherish these moments as he is on the brink of that next stage, that next age, where maybe cuddling your mum won't be such a necessity anymore. Now it;s 4.30am and I'm still awake. There is rain falling softly outside, and it gives a muted hush to the early morning. I make the decision to try and be productive, remembering that the dinner I made last night is probably still on the bench, and I am grateful for my freezing kitchen, knowing it would have done a good job of keeping it cold enough to live again as usable leftovers. So off to the kitchen I go to tidy up, and in an attempt to be extra productive as opposed to staring at my phone until I fall asleep (very naughty - a habit I need to modify for sure) I decide to put some feijoa porridge on in the slow cooker, the idea being that it will be ready and warm in a few hours when the house rises.
I live for my slow cooker, currently it seems to be the only way I get any dinner done, I put something on in the morning when my energy is still high enough to be functional, generally when the girls have their morning nap, and by dinner time it's ready and thats good because I am normally wrecked by then. Slow cooker porridge is a fave of mine. My mother often says to me, but porridge is so fast and easy.... but I am not a morning person, and every second counts, like, every second. So lazy slow cooker porridge is a life saver. And so that's what I did with my insomnia, as opposed to lying in bed staring at my phone ,( a habit I am working on swapping out for reading a book... an actual book, something I used to do a lot more!) I was semi productive, and at least there will be warm breakfast waiting! It's not groundbreaking, but every small victory counts!
getting out , getting about
Just 'popping' into The Warehouse ... this is me realising that my days of just 'popping' anywhere are gone, there is no 'popping in' with twins lol .
Today I had a 10am dentist appointment for the twins . They don't have teeth yet, but I think the theory is that good habits start early ? Anyway, getting anywhere with the twins in tow normally takes at least double the time my overly optimistic self has estimated . Plus, I had my Kauri boy to get off to school too . So it made for a busy morning , lucky my Aunty came to give me a hand, yay for helpjng hands. I'm still getting the hang of this twin wrangling , I think I'm making progress ? Though I still have a long, long way to go . Normally half the battle is getting out the door, the prep, feeding , packing necessities, changing nappies etc. Sometimes that part really is the bulk of the battle , and when you're in your way the rest falls into place . Other times though, it truly is only half of it , the other half then trying to figure out then execute how you're actually going to get from the car to where you're going ?! Today , we had a dentist appointment at the local hospital, a place not renowned for its great parking. Side note, it was also pissing down with torrential rain, just my luck .I was praying that there'd be a park and not have it end up that I have to park across the road . As it transpired, I ended up in the middle of the car park with about 50-100m to walk before getting under some shelter, a daunting prospect still due to the fact that I had myself and the twins to transport and I was on my own . My original plan had been to wear one in the Moby wrap and carry one in my arms , yet the rain put a dampener (hahaha) on that idea, as the thought of having to wrangle 5m of fabric in the rain , the manhandle a baby into it then haul the other one , it just didn't seem like a good idea. The rain was brutal and all three of us would have been drenched by the time we got even halfway ready . I hadn't bought my pram either , it's large and bulky and heavy. My original original plan had been to walk from home with the pram, circumnavigating the need for caring about parking etc, but it's a long walk and the rain put a stop to that idea . The twins would have been snug as but I would have been absolutely soaked . I hindsight , maybe I should have bought the pram, sure I would have got wet putting it up and getting the covers on, but the girls would have stayed as dry as they could . In the end, what happened was I just carried both girls in their capsules and tried to run as fast as I could . I got drenched and my arms burnt from the strain of the weight ( note to self , maybe get back into some strength training ?!) and the girls got a little wet despite my best efforts to cover them with a blanket each . But we made it in, and on time might I add ! One the way out the lovely nurse lent me a hand , helping me carry them to the foyer and then waiting with them while I bought the car to the covered loading zone . I really have had to get a lot better at accepting help when it's offered ! It was very kind of her , it kept us dry . These are the dilemmas I face as a new twin mum, trying to find my groove and figure out what works best for what situation . Sometimes it's the pram, sometimes the capsules . Sometimes it's wearing one carrying the other. Sometimes it's not going out unless I have someone to come with me to help . Sometimes it's none of these options and I just have to pick the least shitty one . I am hoping to get a woven wrap to do tandem carrying with , I did get one off TradeMe but it turned out to be ever so slightly too short ! I am also considering a twingo / twingaroo carrier , and hoping I unearth my ring slings from when Kauri was a baby. And I guess as the girls get stronger and better body control, they'd sit better in a more compact umbrella type stroller. There are so many options , I just need to figure out what works best for me in any given situation ! Pictured is me today, trying to do a quick scout of The Warehouse , one in the Moby, one in my arms ! And realising nothing is ever 'quick' with twins !
in these times, in this place
Some musings from over on my Instagram , mainly just ruminating and wondering on how the simple and oft overlooked act of mothering (and parenting / mentoring etc ) can act as a social activism practice .
How we live our days is how we live our lives . Right now my days are knee deep in mothering and child rearing , but I'm starting to shift my viewpoint about what this means , and how it can be imbued with just as much potential, value and impact as much larger more visible and dynamic acts and practices.
Ode to Kauri, firstborn son . For whom the path was forged and who forged it with me , into deepest mothering. You firstborn paves the way for a smoother ride (somewhat ) for those siblings that follow . It's alongside your firstborn that the maiden is shed, she grows and rends into the motherform. A baptism by fire if I ever did see one , in milk and tears.
...
Almost 7 year old . Bespectacled boy child . Trying my best to raise him well , surely it's in the raising of the next generation that we find great potential for healing what's broken now?So maybe sometimes we forget the power in mothering / parenting, it's often woefully undervalued as a job / practice / thing to do / societal service / essential task... Peace starts at home ✌️, in your own very home, within your own very life, in your rituals and duties , your relationships with others and if you're bestowed with kids, then also in how you raise them up . Maybe at this moment in my life when I'm drowning in kids, 1 of my own acts of social activism are hidden in the domestic everyday nature of my life, in how I mother my kids and what, through them , I put forth into this world and it's future. The season of the mother . It won't always be, things will shift and my contributions to the greater world will shift , this too shall pass.. the good, bad , exquisite and heartbreak . Maiden. Mother. Crone. So I try hard, and I'm not perfect and I don't get it right , especially since Kauri is my firstborn , probably the twins will get me as a parent
2.0 (slightly improved ) . Parenting has taught me a lot , challenged me and continues to . I try to teach my son well in the seemingly small things , like how to make your bed , how to wash your hair , please don't pick your nose but if so, do it in private, the value of a tidy space, how to make toast ..to the big things , like respect for others , compassion, tolerance,taking responsibility for yourself and actions, love and care for our earth / environment , consent , not to fear what's different , cosmic wonder,self love etc etc etc ...and everything in between . Like I said , I'm imperfect , im constantly reevaluating my performance and learning , but im trying . And once more ... peace starts at home . There's work to be done, this isn't all of it.. but it's certainly part of it.✌️
honouring the body that's served
Today was one of those days. Seemingly productive and busy, but if you took stock of 'achievements' then suddenly measurable progress drops to the wayside. I guess it's all a matter of perspective, expectations and how you qualify achievements. Motherhood has a funny way of challenging everything you once believed about what a successful day looks like, and what achievement feels like. Whereas sweetness once lay in the grander show of achieving 'things' and doing 'stuff' and being seen, now the sweetness lies in the spaces between, the small victories repeated over and over, the unseen but felt moments, lessons back forth, the life of your children, yourself, your family cultivated and tended for another day. Repeated days, rhythms, a grind or a hum that before you know it becomes memories of a life lived, children grown, and the season of the mother shifting to the season of the crone. These are the days of our lives, and a lesson I am learning is to cherish them in the here and now, that the mundane can be both the most exquisite and dragging, it's just a shift of perspective and that how you live your days is how you live your life. In a blink of an eye they're grown and you're old (if you're lucky).
Things that happened today, in no particular order:
My twins did not sleep during the day, making doing measurable and achievable tasks difficult
14 weeks after my c-section, I finally felt my body was ready to try yoga again
I was vomited on numerous times. To be noted: I was wearing the same clothes from yesterday, which had old baby vomit on them, I smelt of vomit.
I did not have my breakfast / lunch until 2pm and instead got through the morning by eating a block of chocolate.
I did not shower until 4.30pm
First day back at school after the holidays : I managed to get my son, the girls and I ready and out the door in time to walk to school, drop my son off, then continue to walk around a large block for some much needed exercise and podcast listening time.
I did the dishes and loads of washing and vacuumed (the latter only after my mum came and held the babies).
I breastfed, a lot, to the point where I had concerns that my body wouldn't keep up with supply and demand .... maybe the girls are having a growth spurt?
I looked at the weeds in my garden and sighed.
I made at least one conscious effort to fuel my body in a healthier way than I have been previously. I tried to honour it with good nourishment.
Which brings me to the title of this post, honouring the body that's served.
Today, after a long and lengthy absence and 14 weeks since giving birth via emergency c-section, I finally felt it was time to step on the yoga mat again, and restart my yoga practice. I am but a novice, with a practice that spans less then five years. I was by no means a yogi of great repute nor a prodigy on the mat, yet in yoga I felt a connection to a way of moving my body that made sense to me, tuning my mind, a practice that was available to me at all times at all stages of my life. Before pregnancy I had attended classes in Christchurch, and since moving to Levin, had been practising using my YogaGlo subscription, and I was progressing slowly but surely. Pregnancy derailed my practice. I had smugly imagined I would carry on through my pregnancy, and in the beginning I did, but as with everything in this pregnancy, my expectations were derailed by realities. It has been such a path of teachings through the disruptions of ones perfect expectations, it's been humbling, heartbreaking, horrible and bliss, a real stretching and rending of who I once was. My yoga practice was no different. I thought I would be in an InstaPerfect yoga preggo bubble, but instead I was tired. Tired and tired and tired. No nausea, just a debilitation fatigue of both the body and the mind. I gave up on my practice so quickly in favour of rest, naps, lying down, sitting. There's not right or wrong, I try not to beat myself up about it, it was what it was, it is what it is. That was almost 8 months ago, and finally today I felt the pull to return. It was dire. It was hard. It was challenging and disheartening . My body was so stiff, it was weak, it creaked and was tender, my joints clicked, by back hurt (especially at my epidural site). My body was soft and doughy, I was hyper conscious of my c-section scars knowing what once was whole had been cut, I could barely touch my toes, my mind was even fuzzier. I was truly returned to square one of my practice, day dot. I did five shaky distracted minutes max, attempting my sun salutations and realising I had forgotten parts, that my muscle memory was not as good as I had hoped. Lyra was asleep but Rune sat in her bouncer watching me curiously, I tried not to get distracted by her sweet face, I tried to focus. But like I said, it was dire. I felt like giving up and I felt like shit.
But, after giving it up after five humbling minutes, I thought about it, and about my body. I needed to honour my body which had served, served me well, served my children, and continues to serve. How dare I disparage it, after what it had been through. How dare I run it down because it was not where it once was. My body had served and it had served well. It nourished my babies, grew them both, nurtured them then and continues to nurture them now, hold them, feed them, give my sleep and soul. My body endured to bring my twins into this world, natural labour, examinations by many, consenting to needles and succumbing to the knife in the end. My body held much stress and grief during my pregnancy, and after while the girls were in the NICU, still it served, it endured, it continued and still does to this day. I am thankful. I am grateful. It is worn and it is tired, but it is not done, it should be honoured. So that's what I am going to try and focus on , honouring my body which has served. Honouring it by continuing with my yoga practice, and accepting that I need to start at square one again. Honouring it by taking that journey slowly, and releasing my expectations of achievement and success, replacing those with honest joy in progress, one step at a time. Honouring it by nourishing it as best as I can, making better choices and fuelling it well, sleeping instead of Netflix or late night phone scrolling. Honouring it by loving my body in every state it moves through, looking in the mirror and seeing strength and beauty, not being held down by hate for my new mother softness, heavy milk breasts, twin mama tummy. Honour the body I have in the here and now, the work it has done, continues to do and will do.
Thank you body, thank you for serving me well, me, my family, my children, my ancestors. I am the house of my ancestors, my womb holds them all and brings them forth into life each time I give birth, drawing the continuing branches of our tree.
I stood on the yoga mat and inhaled. I smelt baby vomit, it was all on my top. I inhaled and was happy, raised my arms higher. I am in the season of the mother, full and chaotic, embrace and enjoy, learn from it all.
getting out and surviving
So I am yet to write what I intended to write all those weeks ago, which was a ramble about what it had been like to be pregnant with twins, then suddenly single, and also just what the whole twin pregnancy thing had been like. I'll write that, i'll get there. Also, I am yet to write my twin birth story and for contrast and comparison, my singleton birth story too. I'll get there, I promise.
In the mean time I thought I might as well start talking out loud (ok, writing to the internet) about general everyday life, and how things have been going so far.
Life is interesting, yet also supremely boring at the same time.
Welcome to the duality of motherhood, which probably echoes the duality of life in general. Except I tend to believe less in duality and more in multiplicity. There's less the 'this' and 'that' of duality and more the 'here's an infinite number of ways of being, all at the same time' of real life. I digress into rambling, as usual.
Things have been going. Life is babies and surviving with babies and remembering that I also have another child and myself to look after. I've learnt a lot and nothing. I feel someone might look at me and think, hmmmm, she must know a lot about parenting , and then I would laugh in their face and run away because I don't.
One thing I have learnt is that getting out and about, getting anywhere be it down the road in the pram or to the hospital for an appointment, it all takes a lot of effort. I only assume that I will get better and become more streamlined, but some days it feels like getting myself and the babies, and sometimes myself and the babies and my so, sometimes it feels like big circus act. I have been late for both hospital appointments last week, purely because I have not fully got the handle on how LONG everything takes. I am too optimistic with my time management and I need to fix that ASAP, because it is making me late! It takes an age to get two babies ready, I think it's mainly just the rigmarole,and the doing two of everything, and probably because I am a damn novice at it. I feel like my previous mothering might as well be discounted for a few reasons, one being that it was ages ago, and two being that having two is just really really different. I need to get better and hauling the carseats. Wrangling the double buggy into the carboot that barely fits it is the bane of my life. When I have paid for parking I am in constant fear I will take so long loading my babies into the car along with bags, prams, six year olds etc that by the time I reach the barrier arm, I will have overstayed my paid parking amount and I will be stuck. I have also realised that maybe my car is too small, once all my children and their paraphernalia is inside there's not a lot of room for hangers on, helpers or visitors.
Anyway though, this is pretty moany. To be honest, I know I will get better and my baby wrangling, and that I will find ways that will work smoothly for me. I will become practised, I will get stronger and throw that buggy around like nobodies business all while hauling two capsules. I am grateful that I have a car, that I have a pram that fits in my car, that I have my children and we are able to live safe and healthy lives close to family and full of love. I am grateful for the adventure and the journey that we are on.
Leala xxx
ummmmmmmm
Just a quick note.... in case anyone out there is wondering why I wrote nothing more about my motherhood journey since my last post.....
Well two days after I posted it, my twins decided they wanted to be born, and they made their way into the world at 33 weeks. What has followed since was almost a month in the Neo-Natal unit, and then upon returning home, a long settling in. I am emerging out the other side of this section of the journey and am beginning to feel ready to start reflecting on it here, it's taken a while to feel ready to contemplate writing about it all because that would be unpacking it all, both the highs and the lows! And also, I have existed in an extremely sleep deprived state, so I am only just finding my feet again.
I have a lot to tell, including my pregnancy journey which was a beautifully imperfect one as I became single at 25 weeks, my birth story, my NICU /neo natal stay, and just my journey in general as I settle into motherhood with three children!
So hopefully I can start sharing those stories soon. I know it will be cathartic and wonderful for me to have a place to unpack all that's happened, and also document what's going on.
Until then,
Leala xxx
first...
My website is still coming together at a glacial pace, the art section of my blog and portfolio not quite as burgeoning with work and commentary as I had initially hoped, but life has been… lifey, and I’ll get there in the end. Yes, that’s what I will keep telling myself.
I did think I would add another section though - motherhood. And here we are standing on the threshold of its inaugural blogpost. While not being a prolific blogger and writer, I though this section would be a good place for me to digest thoughts and experiences as I progress through my own motherhood journey. As I keep trying to remind myself, do good work and share it, and maybe someone somewhere would find something of interest in my tale. Personally, I also feel I need an outlet for reflecting back on my journey, and for what’s to come…
Because let me tell you about what’s to come…
IDENTICAL TWINS.
Yes.
Due sometime next month, all going well, if they stay put!
They are Mo/Di twins and therefore this pregnancy has been quite different from my first, with fortnightly scans and appointments from about 16 weeks. Hopefully in my next post I can start to share what the journey of this twin pregnancy has been like, it’s ups and downs and just how supremely interesting I have found it all.
I am also already a mother to my son Kauri who is six, my firstborn. He laid the path, our journey together into the unknown of motherhood, twisting and turning right into the depths of my heart, soul and being. Firstborn, first everything, and from him I learnt so much and continue to do so. I would like to look back over this journey and remember it and honour it, and maybe in my reflection I will rediscover wisdom, remember challenges, be humbled and reminded, and that will help me with the new aspect to come – transition from a mother of one to a mother of three!
How vast can your heart be? Soon it will be my chance to see, to learn.
So there’s a brief overview of my ‘mummy credentials’. Just another woman with many facets, one of them being motherhood, making her way through life…imperfectly. And talking out loud to the internet.
And why is the picture so big? I am still figuring out how to configure my page properly, bear with me!
A wayback throwback - breastfeeding Kauri, getting a hang of this motherhood thing.
COMING SOON...
All in good time!